next time

Recently my cousin and his wife had their first child. One day his wife suggested that he try his hand at changing the babys nappies.
"I am buy" my cousin said " I will do that next time"
the next time the baby was wet she asked her husband if he was ready to learn how to change nappies He looked puzzled for a moment then said "oh I didnt mean the next nappy I meant the next baby '

trouble

The real trouble with the world today isn't that populations have multiplied but they remain so divided

want to die

Sighn outside a calcutta hairdressing saloon " going grey and looking old come to us for dying

Cartoon quips

Wife to husband at front door carrying golf clubs You dont have to go all the way to the golf course for a hole in one. Theres one in the roof one in the screen one in the bathroom .....
Military officer addressing junior officer I dont want people around who say yes all the time I want people who say yes sir
Couple to travel agent "Separate the oceans please"
College graduate to friend How about that from the head of the class to the end of unemployment line in one day
One elderly spinster to another I must say after reading all these new books on sex I am just as glad I never bothered.
Couple leaving the house to teenage son Its our high school reunion junior stop referring to it as the bicentennial
Woman shoper About all i have ever done with my life is wait for something to be reduced 50%
In came the owner of a company whose goods were staffed in the store and said to the woman
madam you can buy my companys share it is in discount of 80% from jan high

Tomato

My grandpa who recently retired came into the house after a morning of gardening and said,
One of the greatest joys of retirement is using my ties to tie up the tomato plants.
Emotional tensions and gardening are incompatiable. Its nearly impossible to be angry when admiring your first ripe tomato.

AMERICAN PRESIDENT

Every night bill Clinton has to attend a phone call which comes around midnight.After attending the call Clinton always feels depressed and that shows in his face, one night Monica and Hillary asked whats the matter who is the caller and what does he tells.
Clinton after a pause said the caller with a Arabic tone asks me does all American president is not happy with their married life.
Monica said why don’t you ask him why he is asking it.
Clinton with confused look asked Hillary should I ask darling.
Hillary without answering went back to the room.
Next night again the phone came and after the initial conversation Clinton asked why he is asking so.
The caller answered you were after Monica, and now your homosexual president is after laden.

Travel Advisory

One famous writer once adviced " In making a party for a travelling excursion always be sure to have it include one ignorant person who will ask all the questions you are ashamed to ask and you will acquire a vast deal of information you would otherwise lose "

South indian names

A small southindian boy came to the class for first time southpoint kolkata, The classteacher asked him his name. "Venkataratnam Narshingham pondicherry ratiah........." he said
When the class teacher asked " how do you spell it" Venky replied ' My mother helps me'

Chess

One fine morning Bush called laden and said lets stop fighting and lets decide who is intelligent by playing chess. Laden agreed and they both came to play chess in neutral venue Delhi.
After game started their Friends Musharraf and Saddam came to see whats going on.After the first game Saddam proposed lets play doubles bush and mush v/s Saddam and laden.
Hearing the proposal bush immediately consulted his Russian coach and disagreed but mush got angry and said if u don't play doubles then let me and Saddam play U and laden always stay in behind when real fight goes on and when its time for play You people will play no way.

Arrow

When ever Andrew Simmonds come to India his wife asks him to bring an arrow shirt which Harbhajan Singh always wears. Simmonds wife thinks Simmonds will look extremely handsome wearing the shirt. But Simmonds always returns to Australia without buying the shirt because when he goes to buy the shirt in the mall he See's the arrow symbol and go to the next shop.

Do u have another

A shoplifter caught stealing a ornament in jewellery store pleaded " please don't call the police. I'll be glad to pay for it."
When the cashier presented him with the bill he said, " That's a little more than I had planned to spend. Could you show me something less expensive?"

Morality

A well known NGO of kolkata was offering five Sunday meetings on " the new morality," and among the topics listed on the bulletin board were abortion homosexuality and premarital sexual experience. The woman standing next to me as we read the notice murmured more to herself than to me "oh dear I guess I will have to go to all of them so that nobody will know which one I'm really interested in.

Fair Share

A prominent socialist visited a famous business man and mathmatician. The socialist explained to the businessman at great length on the injustice of one man owning such great wealth, and proposed a more equitable distribution of riches acquired through the efforts of workers. The businessman heard the man out then asked his secretary to draw up a statement of his assets. At the same time he checked the figures on the world population. After a moments calculation he turned to his secretary and said " Give the gentleman Rs 20 That's his share of my wealth".

Planning

A newspaper in kolkata announced it will start a new section called planning. It will teach people how to plan their schedules investment etc. When the dday came i.e the day in which the section was to start, the newspaper announced " we are sorry that the planning directory has so far not appeared. This is because it is considerably bigger than originally anticipated and is taking longer to print.

Closing prayer

To stop the mad rush for buses after the school hours a headmaster of a reputed school in kolkata decided to introduce classroom prayers to be organisedby the pupils themselves at the end of the day. It didn't altogether solve the problem. "Thank God it's four ao clock," said the student in charge of the prayers/ "A,em," said the others and rushed for the buses.

Crazy Who

A 70 year old man in Germany was completely disoriented when hospitalized for heart failure. Once his heart trouble was checked he seemed fully rational but then he kept saying that he would have his mother drive over and fetch him. So the docs decided that they had better keep him hospitalized a few weeks longer until his mental state improved. That turned out to be unnecessary. One day his mother aged 95 drove over from a town 100 kms away accompanied by her 97 year old sister and they took him home.

Quips

Junior executive to boss " No sir I have nothing against being transferred to another office. Its ok with me as long it is one of ours office"

Present please

After tom cam back from school in his first day, his mother came up and asked how was the first day tom/
Tom answered angrily " mom they did not give me the present" " I will not go to the school again"
Mom asked present what present
Tom said " they said they will give me a present"
Mother confused and asked why will they give you a present
Tom shot back and said
They did said they will give me a present. when I reached the school they said you are tom ghosh ain't you? well just you sit there for the present". I sat there all the day but i never got it.
I will not go to that school again which don't keep its promise.

do u have a answer

1.If all the nations in the world are in debt(am not joking. even US has got debts), where did all the money go?

2.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

3.What is the speed of darkness?

4.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out ofthat stuff?

5.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?

6.Can you cry under water? (

7.Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? (i think they meant something else)

8.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?

9.Do fish ever get thirsty?

10.Can you get cornered in a round room?

12.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?

13.What came first, the fruit or the color orange?

14.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

15.What should one call a male ladybird?

16.If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?

17.Can you blow a balloon up under water?

18.Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

19.If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be ! able to hear it?

20.If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

21.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one?

22.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

23.Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

Encounters in India

A retired general of army entered the television room of a defence serivces club to listen to the BBc news there he saw captains watching a dance number on MTV that was a combination of salsa lambada samba grind and nach baliye. Watching the bodies of dancers all with their midriffs exposed and teir horrendous pelvic thrusts the veteran minlitary historian left the room aghast with his expert comment In my entire service this is the first time I have witnessed encounter where there is no one dead.
Another encounter in which men in uniform participate but do not get killed are the much publicised bold and infamous police encounters

Prudence

Pervej musharaff (expresident of pakistan) sitting in the Office was brought the message that his deadly enemy Benezir Bhutto had just died. Pervez Bowed his head clearly shaken " A great woman, a brilliant woman. A tragic loss" he muttered.
Some mintes later another member of parliament came to the front bench post to inform him thay the press was waiting out to get his " heartfelt opinions on late Bhutto Pervez thought a moment then looked up warily and said Are you sure she is dead Has Americans confirmed it.

OOHHH

When I was buying some dresses in a store I heard a baby crying profusely and the young father trying to console the baby . I went up and asked whats the matter why the baby crying.
The father replied 'OH its the first time the baby has seen his mother spending money'

Dont laugh

Tom asked Dick Dick "I never see you going out with your girlfriend any more"
Dick " I can' stand her laughter"
Tom "I have never noticed her laugh"
Dick " You have never noticed her laugh because you are never around when I propose to her"

Saturday

There are people who takes bath only on week ends. This story is about a well to do couple who have the habit of taking bath only on week ends, they were staying in a plush newyork hotel. The wife wrote to her mother' mom we have a wonderful room and adjoining it is a simply marvellous bathrood inlaid with marble. If only every day was a saturday'

Kartik

Kartik is the warrior god. He is the general of Indra the king of god.It is also believed that he is very good looking.

saraswati

Saraswati is the godess of knowledge music and creative arts. Saraswati is also called vak devi or the godess of speech. Students all over india worship saraswati.

Lakhi

Lakshmi, also called Laxmi, is the goddess of wealth,fortune, power, luxury, beauty, fertility, and auspiciousness. She holds the promise of material fulfillment and contentment. She is described as restless, whimsical yet maternal, with her arms raised to bless and to grant her blessings.
Lakhi is also described as wife of narayan or vishnu.

Ganesh

Ganesha also spelled Ganesa or Ganesh and also known as Ganapati, Vinayaka, and Pillaiyar, is one of the best-known and most worshipped god by hindus His image is found throughout India Hindu sects worship him regardless of other Although he is known by many other attributes, Ganesha's elephant head makes him easy to identifyGanesha is widely revered as the Remover of Obstaclesand more generally as Lord of Beginnings and Lord of Obstacles (Vighnesha, Vighneshvara),patron of arts and sciences, and the god of intellect and wisdomHe is honoured at the start of rituals and ceremonies and invoked as Patron of Letters during writing. It is widely believed ganesh wrote mahabharata.

Durga

The name durga means invincible. The syllable' du' is synonymous with four devils of poverty sufferings famine and evil habits. the 'r' refers to diseases and the 'ga' refers to the destroyer of sins injustice cruelty laziness all those symbolizes to the non religious activity.

Consolation

A child was admitted to a hospital after breaking his right hand. After he was taken to the bed he started crying. A sister came and asked why r u crying. The boy said I will have to stay in this hospital for 10 days. The sister said I will have to stay in this hospital for another 30 years.

What is the speed of darkness? .If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out ofthat stuff? Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? Can you cry under water?????????

History

Leo Tolstoy's daughter Tatiana Tolstoy writes
At one time my father was greatly interested in the theatre. One evening he went to the Malay theatre in Moscow, where they were playing labiches comedy An Italian straw hat, At that time he was writing his own comedy, The fruits of enlightenment.
During the intermission he met in the lobby a professor friend of his who seemed embarrassed that Tolstoy should see him attending such a silly play" you too Leo" the professor said with a forced laugh" you've come to see this idiotic play?
"All my life" replied my father "I've dreamt of writing something similar. But I'M not talented enough"

Existence

God, what is Your purpose of Existence?For God's purpose of Existence itself defines the purpose of all that exists.I asked God that question...God answered, "My purpose of Existence is To give life. Since you are made in My image after My likeness, then YOUR purpose of existence is to give life."Everything that exists is an expression of God's thinking; thus, everything reflects God's thinking.God gives life by His unique existence, and receives life when He gives life. All of existence gives life by its unique existence to that which receives life from its unique existence. This is Nature - the union of all living (eternal) things.You are here to give life by your unique existence to that which receives life from your unique existence. So do what you love that nourishes those who love what you love.This is your purpose.According to the Big Bang theory, scientists assume that the universe began as a singularity the size of a marble that fits in your hand.How is it possible to fit the ENTIRE universe in a marble?The Big Bang theory suggests that the origin of the universe began as a singularity - a primeval atom. If the universe actually did begin as a primeval atom, where did it come from? And if the primeval atom did exist as a singularity, how is the Big Bang mathematically possible if 1+0=1?Which means that if the primeval atom exists as a singularity and there is nothing else to add to it, then shouldn't the universe still exist as a primeval atom according to this mathematical principle?And if such a primeval atom exploded the universe into existence, how could it consist in the first place if it existed as a singular instability? - which means that the singularity was unstable and blew up (if this is the case, how long was it stable and what caused the instability if it existed as a singularity and there was nothing else there to unbalance it)?To look at things differently is to see things clearly.The universe is a non-linear construct from The Infinite. The universe has a beginning but it has no end...More explicitly...God caused all existence to altogether consist simultaneously at once...thus, the universe is a non-linear construct from The Infinite.How is this possible? Simple... E=mc2 (The conversion of light energy into matter).ALL MATTER CONSISTS OF ENERGY.Where does this energy come from? A primeval atom the size of a marble? Do you REALLY think that is physically possible?If E=mc2 is the conversion of light energy into matter, and all matter consists of energy...then all matter originally consisted as light.Where did this energy come from? Light.If energy came from light...and GOD IS LIGHT...all energy came from God!If God is Light...and Light is energy...What does God consist of?E...N...E...R...G...Y...E=mc2If God says, "I am the beginning" God is saying, "I am the raw material from which all existence consists." Thus, God Himself is the Light from which all matter is formed...God is E=mc2Genesis 1.1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. "In the beginning" means "From Eternity"If Eternity has no beginning nor end, and God has no beginning nor end, God is Eternity.Genesis 1.1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. When was the heaven created? In the beginning.When was the earth created? In the beginning.So if BOTH the heaven AND the earth were created in the beginning, the heaven and the earth were BOTH created simultaneously!THUS, THE HEAVEN AND THE EARTH ARE THE SAME AGE!So the earth IS over 65,000,000 years old!Genesis 1.1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.If "In the beginning" means "from Eternity", and God IS Eternity, AND GOD IS THE BEGINNING, "In the beginning" means "In God". So Genesis 1.1 actually says, "In God, God created the heaven and the earth".Why didn't Genesis 1.1 say "At the beginning God created the heaven and the earth" as if related to time like "At 1:00"? Because "In the beginning" is "from Eternity" where there is no time. AND "In the beginning" is BOTH a moment AND a location.How? God is Omnipresent. NOTHING can exist OUTSIDE OF GOD, thus everything exists WITHIN God. SO, "IN the beginning" is actually "WITHIN the beginning"; which is actually "WITHIN God, The Beginning".Thus,Genesis 1.1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.orWithin, God The Beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.God is Spirit. Angels are "spirit" beings. God created angels from Himself.The same way God formed angels from Himself, so formed He existence...With one thought.God has no beginning. He has no "first thought" as if He had a beginning. God's infinite knowledge itself is one thought.Omniscience is infinite knowledge as one thought.Omnificence is unlimited creative power.Omnipotence is infinite power.Omnipresence is infinity itself.Put them together, what do you get?Unlimited creative power applied to infinite knowledge that is expressed everywhere at once with a single act of infinite power!OrGod creating existence from Himself with one thought!E=mc2Genesis 1.1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.orWithin, God The Beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.orWithin, God The Beginning, God formed from Himself, Existence, with one thought - causing all existence to altogether consist simultaneously at once.Thus, the universe is a non-linear construct from The Infinite - God Himself. The universe has a beginning but it has no end. Which is why the background of the stars is black.Learn to look at things differently is to see things clearly.Existence itself is created from God's physical existence. Yes God does physically exist, He is just physically different.How do I know all this, simple...I asked God this question...What are you made of?His answer...Energy.And that was the beginning of my instruction directly from the Creator

You cannot please everyone

One day a man was going to market with his son and his ass. they met a couple on the way."Why walk when you have an ass to ride?" called out the husband, "seat the boy on the ass.""I would like that," said the boy, "help me up father."And the father did that willingly.Soon they met another couple. "How shameful of you!" cried the woman, "let your father ride, won't he be tired?"So, the boy got down and the father rode the ass. Again they marched on."poor boy", said the next person they met, "why should the lazy father ride while his son is walking?"So, the boy got onto the ass too. As they went on, they met some travellers."How cruel of them!" They are up to kill the poor ass." cried one of the travellers.Hearing this, the father and the son got down. Now they decided to carry the ass on their shoulders. As they did so, the travellers broke into laughter.The laughter frightened the ass. It broke free and galloped away.

Sand & Stone

A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand: "TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE." They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one, who had been slapped, got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. After the friend recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: "TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE." The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?" The other friend replied: "When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it." LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND, AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE

BAD HABITS

A wealthy man requested an old scholar to wean his son away from his bad habits. The scholar took the youth for a stroll through a garden. Stopping suddenly he asked the boy to pull out a tiny plant growing there. The youth held the plant between his thumb and forefinger and pulled it out. The old man then asked him to pull out a slightly bigger plant. The youth pulled hard and the plant came out, roots and all."Now pull out that one," said the old man pointing to a bush. The boy had to use all his strength to pull it out."Now take this one out," said the old man, indicating a guava tree. The youth grasped the trunk and tried to pull it out. But it would not budge."I – It's impossible," said the boy, panting with the effort."So it is with bad habits," said the sage. "When they are young it is easy to pull them out but when they take hold they cannot be uprooted."The session with the old man changed the boy's life.

gopal bhand

Gopal Bhand was once taken to court by a man who claimed that he owned the land on which Gopal's house stood. Gopal had the documents to prove that he owned the land but he knew that the judge who was to try the case was corrupt and could be bought. Gopal decided to take a gift for the judge.At the hearing, the complainant stated his case and then taking out a fat wallet from one pocket transferred it to another in a slow and deliberate manner. The judge understood. He looked at Gopal as if to ask him if he could match the offer.In answer, Gopal patted his own pocket. The judge was pleased to see that it was bulging. He could make out the outlines of two large objects in it and he felt sure they were gold ornaments.He gave a verdict in Gopal's favour and called him to his chambers. Gopal went round to the judge's chambers and began to thank him for deciding the case in his favour. But the judge cut him short with an impatient gesture of his hand."The gift," he snapped. "Give me whatever you have brought for me!"Gopal took out two large stones from his pocket and gave them to him.

old age

An elderly man went to a doctor with multiple complaints."I see spots before my eyes," he said."It's due to old age," said the doctor."No food agrees with me," said the man."That too is due to old age," said the doctor. "The digestive system becomes weaker as we grow older.""My back is giving trouble," persisted the man. "Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable.""Old age," said the doctor.This was too much for the man."Why do you go on saying 'old age, old age'," he screamed. "If you cannot cure me, say so. I'll go elsewhere.""See how easily you lost you temper," said the doctor. "That is another characteristic of old age."

portrait

bengal sultan who was blind in one eye invited three artists to paint his picture.“If you do a bad portrait, I will punish you,” he warned, “ but if you do a good one I will reward you. Now start!”The first artist produced a picture that showed the sultan as he was: blind in one eye.The sultan had him executed for showing disrespect to his monarch.The second artist showed him with both eyes intact.The sultan had him flogged for trying to flatter him.The third artist drew him in profile, showing only his good eye.The sultan, pleased, rewarded him with gold and honours.

Falling hair

My aunty has a problem with falling hair. She went to a doctor and asked Sir my hair keeps on falling can you give me some thing to keep my falling hair.
The doctor after thinking a while asked the nurse to bring a empty medicine box and gave it to my aunty and said keep your hair inside it.

Steering

Police stopped a motorist who was driving in great speed. Police said, "Why were you going so fast?" Motorist said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, It moves fast. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

es

Tom asked his Doctor, sir if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer

Wh

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."The man continued, "I work for 5 star"

Dentist

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock football match

sHOCKING SECRETS WOMN DONT WANT MAN TO KNOW

what is yahoo?ans:the real abreviation is "yet another hierarchical official oracle"bye frnd......................




Ever tried to wonder whats in womens mind? What is she thinking about? Do you know that women do not always mean what they say. They might say something and mean the exact opposite. But what do women actually want? Read on to discover some of the most shocking secrets women don't want men to know.

Blonds are nott always dumb- If you thought all of them were dumb than you are strongly mistaken. Hair colour does not affect a person's IQ. They only act dumb to seem cute or get you to spend money on them and if you do that than you are dumb not them.

Women get jealous as hell- They might deny it but the fact is they get extremely jealous even if their man talks to a random female or maybe a friend. She might pretend to act all nice but inside her jealousy volcano is about to erupt.

I am the sexiest of them all- Every woman has this mind frame no matter how much they try to deny it. Almost every woman wants to feel like the one and only beauty queen in the world as if nothing compares and demand royal treatment from all men.

Am I fat- I know heard this one time and again but let's all admit to it officially! No matter how skinny she is she would never consider herself thin. Almost every woman occasionally asks this annoying question- "Am I looking fat in this honey?”

They always lie about shopping- They might be out grocery shopping but always end up getting something for themselves which they thought was cute. They either try to hide it or lie about its price saying it was on sale.

Don't share secrets with them- If you have than you are already on prime time radio. Almost every woman shares each and every secret with her friends. They tend to share their secrets over a cup of coffee and have a good laugh over it. And yeh when I say secrets it means your private secrets as well ( he he) if you know what I mean.

What shoes are you wearing- If you thought it was a myth than think again. Women do judge a man by his shoes. So better make it a point to wear nice clean shoes the next time you walk out.

They know when you are cheating- Women have inbuilt instincts and emotion system which beeps and alerts when their man is cheating. No matter how big of a player you are you would always be caught no matter what.

An absolute must know for you- This secret is an absolute must know for you no matter what. This is the grand daddy of all which would give you the ultimate power to become a magnet towards which every woman would be attracted.

On Indian airlines flight, a middle-aged, well-off brahminSouth Indian Lady has found herself sitting next to a dalit man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant.
"Can't you see?" she said, " You've sat me next to untouchable. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"
"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."
The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged dalit man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).
A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin:
"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class."
Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues...
"It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."
Having said that, the stewardess turned to the dalitman sitting next to the lady, and said:
"So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."
At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the dalitman walked up to the front of the plane...

cOINCIDENCE

Tom and dick going to school. Tom asked dick "dick do u no what is the meaning of coincidence"
Dick answered " That was the question I was going to ask u"
Tom asked his " Do u no which building in our locality has most number of stories"
Dad after thinking a lot said ask your mother. Tom "mother do u no which building in our locality has most number of stories"
Mother "son it is a very easy answer the library has the most number of stories in every locality"

Lines

A graphics sign company gave a ad in a local newspaper " A business with no sign is a sign of no business"
Now real Estate brokers of India are thinking to put upfollowing ads
"If you like to pay 350000 for a house selling at 450000? Please wait till next as property prices are falling you will get it.
A bookstore in Delhi put up a hoarding " read a good novel before bollywood ruins it"

sPEECH

Once biju patnaik former orrissa chiefminister came to give a annual speech in a engineering college.After the speech a student came and sai "Sir you've been in both government and journalism that makes everything you say double hard to believe".

Can any one answer

If olive oil comes from olives where from baby oil comes
If people of Poland is called poles why people of Holland is called dutch (not holes)
If horrific means horrible do terrific means terrible

eCONOMIST

A noble prize winner of kolkata went to a tea stall to take a sip of road side tea and understand the econonomy of tea vending business
While taking a sip he asked the tea stall owner what he thinks of economists
The tea stall vendor replied without knowing whome he is talking
"sir a economist is a man who will figure out tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterdat did not happen today "
Hearing the answer the noble lauriete was dumb found

difference

A man went to the pub and asked the waiter what is the difference between rum vodka jin whisky or beer and what should he order ?
The waiter answered " well sir RUM for monday BEER for tuesday VODKA for wednesday and thursday Jin for Friday and WHISKY for sat and sun."
"There is basically no difference between all this the names are different so that you can enjoy and remain happy every single day of the week"

jUDGE

A judge asked a convict "are u guilty"
Convict answered " How can I say that now sir. Let both the lawyers finish their arguments"
When I visited Punjab last month I got engaged in a conversation with the hotel manager " where from u sir"
Me " kolkata"
Hotel manager " nice place Isn't there lot of bright intelligent people there"
I agreed with him
Hotel manger "There are lot of dull and uneducated people too"
I again agreed again.
" It is very difficult to make a difference between the two types" The hotel manager concluded

Today

I visited Punjab last month. After getting off the train in the morning Just to start a conversation I asked the Police standing nearby "what is the day today"
He replied " Well sir I joined the duty today only please ask a local man"

History of orkut

A guy lost his girlfriend in a train accident.... but girl's name nowhere appeared in the dead list. This guy grew up n became IT technical architect in his late 20?s, achievement in itself. He hired developers from the whole world and planned to make a software where he could search for his gf through the web. Things went as plannedand one dayhe found her, after losing millions of dollars and 3 long years.It was time to shut down the search operation, when the CEO of Google had a word with this guy n took over this application, This Software made a huge profit in its first year, which we today know as ORKUT.

Mind it

1) U can study and get any certificates. But u
cannot get ur death certificate

2) U may have AIRTEL or BSNL connection but when u sneeze u ll say HUTCH

3 ) U can bcome an engineer if u study in engineering college. U cannot bcom a president ifu study in Presidency College
4 ) U can expect a BUS from a BUS stop ... u cannot expect a FULL from FULL stop

5) A mechanical engineer can bcom a mechanic but a software engineer cannot bcom a software
6 ) U can find tea in teacup. But cannot find world in world cup
7) U can find keys in Keyboard but u cannot find mother in motherboard.

Rug

Once a doctor visited a friends house whose teenage son was particularly spoiled and obnoxious
His friend said " we just dont know what to make of him"
My doctor friend answered " how about a nice rug?"

Ideal partner

A man told his girlfriend " You're getting prettier every day"
"Thats because I'm on a diet" she said. " I eat only three slices of bread and drink three glasses of water a day, and I mean to keep it up for ever"
"Lets then get married today" the man said

Advertisements

"Available 4 bedroom house with lovely big trees constructed by a foreign architect"

Sign in front of behala jewellery shop specializing in gold plating "Guilt shop"

An advertisement publicising an anti adulteration" pure masalas will save your health" except on Sundays and other holidays

An ad for recruiting stewardesses in an private airline " They should be unmarried physically fit with clear complexion normal eyesight without glasses and even teeth"

Ad in Accommodation available column " P?G bhawanipore separate entrance attached bath only executives bachelors reputed firms banks postoffices etc should apply"

Item in employment news " Disabled defence personnel killed in action are exempted from attachingp postal order to their application"

Katha

An old farmer lived on a farm in the mountains with his young


grandson. Each morning Grandpa was up early sitting at the kitchen

table reading his Bhagavad-gita. His grandson wanted to be just like

him and tried to imitate him in every way he could.
 One day the grandson asked, "Grandpa! I try to read the Bhagavad-

gita just like you but I don't understand it, and what I do

understand I forget as soon as I close the book. What good does

reading the Bhagavad-gita do?"
 The grandfather quietly turned from putting coal in the stove and

replied, "Take this coal basket down to the river and bring me back

a basket of water."
The boy did as he was told, but all the water leaked out before he

got back to the house. The grandfather laughed and said, "You'll

have to move a little faster next time," and sent him back to the

river with the basket to try again. This time the boy ran faster,

but again the basket was empty before he returned home. Out of

breath, he told his grandfather that it was impossible to carry

water in a basket, and he went to get a bucket instead.

 The old man said, "I don't want a bucket of water; I want a basket

of water. You're just not trying hard enough," and he went out the

door to watch the boy try again.
 At this point, the boy knew it was impossible, but he wanted to

show his grandfather that even if he ran as fast as he could, the

water would leak out before he got back to the house.
The boy again dipped the basket into the river and ran hard, but

when he reached his grandfather the basket was again empty. Out of

breath, he said, "See Grandpa, it's useless!"
 "So you think it is useless?" the old man said, "Look at the

basket." The boy looked at the basket and for the first time

realized that the basket was different. It had been transformed from

a dirty old coal basket and was now clean, inside and out.

 "Son, that's what happens when you read the Bhagavad-gita. You

might not understand or remember everything, but when you read it,

you will be changed, inside and out. That is the work of Lord

Krishna in our lives."

Good

Soon after a eatery in kolkata hung up a sign advertising kolkata rolls one passerby added delhi swings.Once I was travelling in a train I was sitting opposite to a reserved middle aged woman. The train was passing through innumerable tunnels popping out of one into the light only to be plunged almost immediately into the gloom of the next.Finally the woman leaned over and said " Its like travelling through a flute isn't it ?"When some cricket batsman have a temper problem in field they throw their bats. Not ourgreat pappu He rips off his wig and slams it to the ground When a reporter asked what is your age to famous actress canny she answered I do wished I could tell you but its impossible My age keeps changing all the time.

KrishnaKatha

The Blacksmith and the Potter
In the village Bilaspur, there lived a blacksmith named Vama. Once he went to visit his friend who happened to be a potter in the village Haripur. Hoping to earn some appreciation from his friend, Vama offered to assist to him in his work. The potter was very delicately using his hammer to give shape to some pitchers and pots, while Vama, imitating him started hammering the other pitchers and pots so violently that all of them were completely smashed.
PURPORT
The manner in which the blacksmith hammers iron to give shape to it is not meant for a potter to model clay. The method and technique of both of them are entirely different. A materialistic worker usually develops a conception that the devotional service offered by a devotee for the satisfaction of the Lord is apparently and externally akin to sense gratification material activities and as such they all belong to the same category.
In fact, there is a real difference between the process and the manner in both such activities. So-called dispassionate material activities carry no intrinsic value unless they are favourable for the satisfactory devotional service to the Lord. An unpersonalized worshipper of five elements, bereft of devotional surrender, will only create more harm than good than any pure devotee who is sincerely practising the delicate process of satisfying the Supreme Lord.

Prediction

Yesterday an expert in share market affairs asked all his clients and TV viewers to sell.
But the market opened low and recovered 200 points and today opened another 100 points above in percentage terms those who sold lost around 5 to 6 percent
Today when a viewer asked the expert sir what happened as per your advice I sold the shares on your recommendation and now when I will get back my shares at lower level.
The expert said dont worry you will get back your shares at lower price some day. And that day remember me I said you to sell and if you dont get back your shares blame it on yourself that you didnot kept a stoploss
Hearing this the weather forcaster said why do people always blame us for mispredictions when we say it will rain tommorow does it not rains may be it rains after a week or so so what. Whenever it rains remember me I said it will rain one day

Totoal tension

The moment you r in tension U will lose your attention Then U will be in total confusion
and then You and all surrounding you will feel irritation
That may spoil your personal relation which So u will not get cooperation and get things into complications then you may raise caution and have to take medication So try to understand the situation and try to find a solution mny problems will be solved by discussion which will workout better in your profession Dont think this is free suggestion It is only to prevent you from tension

Worries

A woman worries until she gets married
A man never worries until he marries
A successful man is one who can earn more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is who can find such a man
Also another defination of successful man or woman is who has the horsepower of an optimist and the emergency brakes of a pessimist

Birth day

tomorrow is my birth day poila ashwin oh god another year passed away let see what I have done in previous year in the 365 days I had well there were 52 Sundays u know Sundays are for rest so days left 365-52=313
9 hours of daily sleep 150 days gone 313-150=163
163 days left
1 + hours of daily exercise means 20 days gone means 163-20=143 days left
1 + hours of daily chatting means 20 days gone well then days left 143-20=123
1+ hours for cleaning shaving etc well 20 days gone days left 123-20 = 103
Festival and other holidays say 43 days 103-43=60 days left
For sickness at least 5days 55 days left
For recreation say going to watch football match movie etc 5days
days left 50
For marketing cooking etc another 2 hours daily means 40 days gone
good lord then I have worked for at least 10days tell some one to pat my back

NO PROBLEM

An elderly man was planning to marry a young girl. One of the man's friend said ' You are out of your mind now you are 60 your wife 20 in next 20 years you will be 80 and she will be 40"
The man said ' Do you think I have not thought of that but dont worry when that time comes I can get divorced and marry another 20 year old'.

Learned

A Us army man serving in Afghanistan wrote to his wife about the long evenings the shortage of books and music and the abundance of drinks etc, and then he wrote "I might fill the lonely hours learning to play a flute if I had one. "
By return mail his wife sent a Flute
When he finally returned home and met his wife on airport who came to pick him up his wife asked " all right first thing first Lets hear you play that flute"

Peace

Asked to define peace in a school a class four student described peace " Peace is when frogs sleep on water lilies"

Little afection

An automatic ticket cheking machine in the rabindrosarobar metro station in kolkata failed to deliver a ticket when I was trying to enter the station, I slapped it tried to shake it but nothing happend . A big man steeped in and then he kicked the machine almost uprooted the machine. It promptly produced my ticket. There You are said the burly helper ALittle affection thats all it wanted

My Q and A

We all feel bad when we lose in a competition But when we win we tend to forget all those who lose will feel bad why is that

If we were to think of all the people that had lost after we had just achieved a goal (win) then it would take away the great feeling of winning we tend to think of ourselves first before thinking of others So when we are caught up in the moment of winning who is going to bother about who has lost/

HOME SWEET HOUSE

Tom to his son who is 9 years and an aspiring writer. 'Son it is not a good practice to use the same word twice in a sentence if a suitable synonym is available. ' So next day son brought home a design for a sampler he made in the art class. It read "HOME SWEET HOUSE"

CHIVALARY

What is chivalary a young woman asked
An old woman with vast experience replied " Chivalary is going around and releasing beautiful maidens from other men's castle and taking them to own castle"

RECHARGE

Astrologer >'All the energy in the earth is going to be finished within 2020 and all of us going to die'
Common man> 'That's not good news I recharged my mobile yesterday till 2050 If I had known earlier I wouldn't have rechared it'
Scientist > Dont't you worry we will recharge the earth and every thing will be allright.

yes

I went to a shop to buy a trouser, after selecting a trouser I asked the price the seller said a price I said "my god so costly" and asked the price of another trouser the seller smiled and replied " sir its double my god very costly"

YES

Patrick went to doctor and asked " Sir I am having pain in my left leg for last few days"
Doctor " Its nothing to worry You are getting old"
Patrick angrily " My right leg that is also as old as my left leg but it does not give me
trouble
Client to lawyer " Sir you gave me only one advice but why did you give me two bills"
Lawyer ' After taking the first advice you went away and after some time you came back and asked me another question remember'
"Yes sir I came back and asked did I left my umbrella behind"
Lawyer " Did'nt I gave the answer"

o ya

Once a fan club of a famous writer send a request letter to the writer, Sir we will be greatful if you send a autographed book of yours to our club.
The writer wrote in reply " I dont want such fan's who even can't buy a book spending 1 pound"
After few days the fan club wrote to the writer " Sir by giving your letter we got a book from your publisher"
The writer shot back " You people are real fool's If u have sold the letter You would have received atleast 100 pounds"

OO YA

Father asked tom " tom please see is it raining outside"
Tom " Dad can it rain inside"
Tom and dick went for hunting Ducks
Tom aimed at duck which was running
Tom missed his shot
Dick ' Tom the duck was running fast na'
Tom ' Running fast? It just throwed its leg here and there to avoid the bullet.'
'My memory has dropped drastically' said Tom so I went to doctor The doctor after examining me gave lot of tablets and tonics
Dick ' then what happend'
Tom ' what will happen I forgot to take those pills'

Any answer

After giving stage performances actress dino invites the audience to ask her personal questions
One man stood up and asked " do you remember the most embarassing moment you ever had"?
"Yes I do" miss dino answered " next question"
A group of life insurance agents attended a lecture on how to sell insurance products to unwilling buyer. At the conclusion there were questions and answers. Finally the lecturer asked " are there any more questions"
From the back of the room came ' are there any more answers'
The football coach asked the footballer "why do you always answer a question with a question"
The footballer answered " why not"

COINCISE

An interviewer asked a job applicant " Describe yourself in 25 words or less"
He answered coincise
A class teacher asked his students to write a essay on football match
One student wrote "the game is abandoned due to rain"

WAH

Doctor tells to his newly appointed nurse " see I don't like to talk much I talk in signs when Raise my hand please understand that I am calling U"
Nurse " Sir I am also just like You I also talk in signs when you call me if I waive my head please understand that I am busy I will come later"

wah

How is your business going on sir
Very very well Few days ago I got a huge order.
Oh thats a very good news sir. Then when you are going to return my 600 ruppes
Oh I would have paid you certainly. but do you no the day I got the confirmation letter for the order, I received the cancellation order very next day.

WAH

Labours are unloading rice bags from a lorry. Every labour was unloading two bags at a time except one he was unloading one bag at a time. When the shopowner asked the labour why he is doing so.
The labour answered don't ask sir they are very lazy. Because they are very lazy, so they are unloading two bags at a time so that they dont have to do it twice.

LIFE

So in a general way I set life off from existence. Living is often a mental state quite independent of physical environment or occupation.

WHEN DO I THINK I EXIST

I exist when I am doing daily routine works like reading newpapers shaving dressing riding bus going to bank for money and going to grocery to buy daily needs.
I exist when I have to attend a average social function listen to people talking to the topic which I have no interest but have to listen for reasons.
I EXIST when I am ill I cant do what I want to do.
I exist when I am angry I exist through misunderstanding and when I think of taking revenge
I exist when I make fool of others.
I exist when I don't keep my words and give reasons for that.
I exist when I overlook other's distress

I exist when I fail to keep my words and give reasons for that

I exist when I bring sorrow with my deeds.

I exist when I tell lies for personal gains.

WHEN DO I THINK I AM ALIVE

I am alive when I LAUGH spontaneously and heartily.
I LIVE WHEN i sleep A sound healthy sleep after a day spent of hard work gives a feeling of silent sobbering whirring motor. In lovely dreams I am convinced I am living
Love is life vital and intense Very real to me also is the love one bears one"s freind
I feel I am alive when i have a good conversation argument with my freinds or foes.
I seem to live when I am creating something typing this for instance working on an economic theory when think of doing some good to others who need.
I live when I take food when I am really hungry or drinking when I am really thirsty.
I feel very much alive in the presence of genuine sorrow.

I feel very much alive when I bring smile in the face of others by my deeds

I feel very much alive when some one depends on me.

I feel I am alive when I cry for others

SKY IS COMING DOWN

A experiment is going on in geneva about how earth formed when the big bang occured
Today when I was taking my morning walk I came accross a drunken men lying on his back with his both legs and hands risen towards the sky.
I asked him dude whats going on.
He retorted dont you know the sky is going to come down when the experiment will take place I am trying to keep the sky in its place.
Woh

HOW MUCH THE EARTH WEIGHS

How much the earth weighs asked my son who reads in class 2 to his class teacher. The teacher could only respond " thats a very interesting question son Lets see who can find the answer. Otherwise I will give u the answer"

That night the teacher went to the local library and after considerable reasearch and effort he came up with a answer.

Next day filled with confidence the teacher announced the result.

Whole class pondered and then came another question from a student sir is that with or without people sir.

oops

MY QUESTION

orkut - My messages

Sir the question haunts me most is that a poor person who works 14 hours daily end up with illhealth no savings for his old age and the person who is borned in a rich family even he dosnt work for a minute a day his forfathers savings will make him rich richer why is this sytem why there is no value for labour integrity honesty