Lines

A graphics sign company gave a ad in a local newspaper " A business with no sign is a sign of no business"
Now real Estate brokers of India are thinking to put upfollowing ads
"If you like to pay 350000 for a house selling at 450000? Please wait till next as property prices are falling you will get it.
A bookstore in Delhi put up a hoarding " read a good novel before bollywood ruins it"

sPEECH

Once biju patnaik former orrissa chiefminister came to give a annual speech in a engineering college.After the speech a student came and sai "Sir you've been in both government and journalism that makes everything you say double hard to believe".

Can any one answer

If olive oil comes from olives where from baby oil comes
If people of Poland is called poles why people of Holland is called dutch (not holes)
If horrific means horrible do terrific means terrible

eCONOMIST

A noble prize winner of kolkata went to a tea stall to take a sip of road side tea and understand the econonomy of tea vending business
While taking a sip he asked the tea stall owner what he thinks of economists
The tea stall vendor replied without knowing whome he is talking
"sir a economist is a man who will figure out tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterdat did not happen today "
Hearing the answer the noble lauriete was dumb found

difference

A man went to the pub and asked the waiter what is the difference between rum vodka jin whisky or beer and what should he order ?
The waiter answered " well sir RUM for monday BEER for tuesday VODKA for wednesday and thursday Jin for Friday and WHISKY for sat and sun."
"There is basically no difference between all this the names are different so that you can enjoy and remain happy every single day of the week"

jUDGE

A judge asked a convict "are u guilty"
Convict answered " How can I say that now sir. Let both the lawyers finish their arguments"
When I visited Punjab last month I got engaged in a conversation with the hotel manager " where from u sir"
Me " kolkata"
Hotel manager " nice place Isn't there lot of bright intelligent people there"
I agreed with him
Hotel manger "There are lot of dull and uneducated people too"
I again agreed again.
" It is very difficult to make a difference between the two types" The hotel manager concluded

Today

I visited Punjab last month. After getting off the train in the morning Just to start a conversation I asked the Police standing nearby "what is the day today"
He replied " Well sir I joined the duty today only please ask a local man"

History of orkut

A guy lost his girlfriend in a train accident.... but girl's name nowhere appeared in the dead list. This guy grew up n became IT technical architect in his late 20?s, achievement in itself. He hired developers from the whole world and planned to make a software where he could search for his gf through the web. Things went as plannedand one dayhe found her, after losing millions of dollars and 3 long years.It was time to shut down the search operation, when the CEO of Google had a word with this guy n took over this application, This Software made a huge profit in its first year, which we today know as ORKUT.

Mind it

1) U can study and get any certificates. But u
cannot get ur death certificate

2) U may have AIRTEL or BSNL connection but when u sneeze u ll say HUTCH

3 ) U can bcome an engineer if u study in engineering college. U cannot bcom a president ifu study in Presidency College
4 ) U can expect a BUS from a BUS stop ... u cannot expect a FULL from FULL stop

5) A mechanical engineer can bcom a mechanic but a software engineer cannot bcom a software
6 ) U can find tea in teacup. But cannot find world in world cup
7) U can find keys in Keyboard but u cannot find mother in motherboard.

Rug

Once a doctor visited a friends house whose teenage son was particularly spoiled and obnoxious
His friend said " we just dont know what to make of him"
My doctor friend answered " how about a nice rug?"

Ideal partner

A man told his girlfriend " You're getting prettier every day"
"Thats because I'm on a diet" she said. " I eat only three slices of bread and drink three glasses of water a day, and I mean to keep it up for ever"
"Lets then get married today" the man said

Advertisements

"Available 4 bedroom house with lovely big trees constructed by a foreign architect"

Sign in front of behala jewellery shop specializing in gold plating "Guilt shop"

An advertisement publicising an anti adulteration" pure masalas will save your health" except on Sundays and other holidays

An ad for recruiting stewardesses in an private airline " They should be unmarried physically fit with clear complexion normal eyesight without glasses and even teeth"

Ad in Accommodation available column " P?G bhawanipore separate entrance attached bath only executives bachelors reputed firms banks postoffices etc should apply"

Item in employment news " Disabled defence personnel killed in action are exempted from attachingp postal order to their application"

Katha

An old farmer lived on a farm in the mountains with his young


grandson. Each morning Grandpa was up early sitting at the kitchen

table reading his Bhagavad-gita. His grandson wanted to be just like

him and tried to imitate him in every way he could.
 One day the grandson asked, "Grandpa! I try to read the Bhagavad-

gita just like you but I don't understand it, and what I do

understand I forget as soon as I close the book. What good does

reading the Bhagavad-gita do?"
 The grandfather quietly turned from putting coal in the stove and

replied, "Take this coal basket down to the river and bring me back

a basket of water."
The boy did as he was told, but all the water leaked out before he

got back to the house. The grandfather laughed and said, "You'll

have to move a little faster next time," and sent him back to the

river with the basket to try again. This time the boy ran faster,

but again the basket was empty before he returned home. Out of

breath, he told his grandfather that it was impossible to carry

water in a basket, and he went to get a bucket instead.

 The old man said, "I don't want a bucket of water; I want a basket

of water. You're just not trying hard enough," and he went out the

door to watch the boy try again.
 At this point, the boy knew it was impossible, but he wanted to

show his grandfather that even if he ran as fast as he could, the

water would leak out before he got back to the house.
The boy again dipped the basket into the river and ran hard, but

when he reached his grandfather the basket was again empty. Out of

breath, he said, "See Grandpa, it's useless!"
 "So you think it is useless?" the old man said, "Look at the

basket." The boy looked at the basket and for the first time

realized that the basket was different. It had been transformed from

a dirty old coal basket and was now clean, inside and out.

 "Son, that's what happens when you read the Bhagavad-gita. You

might not understand or remember everything, but when you read it,

you will be changed, inside and out. That is the work of Lord

Krishna in our lives."

Good

Soon after a eatery in kolkata hung up a sign advertising kolkata rolls one passerby added delhi swings.Once I was travelling in a train I was sitting opposite to a reserved middle aged woman. The train was passing through innumerable tunnels popping out of one into the light only to be plunged almost immediately into the gloom of the next.Finally the woman leaned over and said " Its like travelling through a flute isn't it ?"When some cricket batsman have a temper problem in field they throw their bats. Not ourgreat pappu He rips off his wig and slams it to the ground When a reporter asked what is your age to famous actress canny she answered I do wished I could tell you but its impossible My age keeps changing all the time.

KrishnaKatha

The Blacksmith and the Potter
In the village Bilaspur, there lived a blacksmith named Vama. Once he went to visit his friend who happened to be a potter in the village Haripur. Hoping to earn some appreciation from his friend, Vama offered to assist to him in his work. The potter was very delicately using his hammer to give shape to some pitchers and pots, while Vama, imitating him started hammering the other pitchers and pots so violently that all of them were completely smashed.
PURPORT
The manner in which the blacksmith hammers iron to give shape to it is not meant for a potter to model clay. The method and technique of both of them are entirely different. A materialistic worker usually develops a conception that the devotional service offered by a devotee for the satisfaction of the Lord is apparently and externally akin to sense gratification material activities and as such they all belong to the same category.
In fact, there is a real difference between the process and the manner in both such activities. So-called dispassionate material activities carry no intrinsic value unless they are favourable for the satisfactory devotional service to the Lord. An unpersonalized worshipper of five elements, bereft of devotional surrender, will only create more harm than good than any pure devotee who is sincerely practising the delicate process of satisfying the Supreme Lord.

Prediction

Yesterday an expert in share market affairs asked all his clients and TV viewers to sell.
But the market opened low and recovered 200 points and today opened another 100 points above in percentage terms those who sold lost around 5 to 6 percent
Today when a viewer asked the expert sir what happened as per your advice I sold the shares on your recommendation and now when I will get back my shares at lower level.
The expert said dont worry you will get back your shares at lower price some day. And that day remember me I said you to sell and if you dont get back your shares blame it on yourself that you didnot kept a stoploss
Hearing this the weather forcaster said why do people always blame us for mispredictions when we say it will rain tommorow does it not rains may be it rains after a week or so so what. Whenever it rains remember me I said it will rain one day

Totoal tension

The moment you r in tension U will lose your attention Then U will be in total confusion
and then You and all surrounding you will feel irritation
That may spoil your personal relation which So u will not get cooperation and get things into complications then you may raise caution and have to take medication So try to understand the situation and try to find a solution mny problems will be solved by discussion which will workout better in your profession Dont think this is free suggestion It is only to prevent you from tension

Worries

A woman worries until she gets married
A man never worries until he marries
A successful man is one who can earn more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is who can find such a man
Also another defination of successful man or woman is who has the horsepower of an optimist and the emergency brakes of a pessimist

Birth day

tomorrow is my birth day poila ashwin oh god another year passed away let see what I have done in previous year in the 365 days I had well there were 52 Sundays u know Sundays are for rest so days left 365-52=313
9 hours of daily sleep 150 days gone 313-150=163
163 days left
1 + hours of daily exercise means 20 days gone means 163-20=143 days left
1 + hours of daily chatting means 20 days gone well then days left 143-20=123
1+ hours for cleaning shaving etc well 20 days gone days left 123-20 = 103
Festival and other holidays say 43 days 103-43=60 days left
For sickness at least 5days 55 days left
For recreation say going to watch football match movie etc 5days
days left 50
For marketing cooking etc another 2 hours daily means 40 days gone
good lord then I have worked for at least 10days tell some one to pat my back

NO PROBLEM

An elderly man was planning to marry a young girl. One of the man's friend said ' You are out of your mind now you are 60 your wife 20 in next 20 years you will be 80 and she will be 40"
The man said ' Do you think I have not thought of that but dont worry when that time comes I can get divorced and marry another 20 year old'.

Learned

A Us army man serving in Afghanistan wrote to his wife about the long evenings the shortage of books and music and the abundance of drinks etc, and then he wrote "I might fill the lonely hours learning to play a flute if I had one. "
By return mail his wife sent a Flute
When he finally returned home and met his wife on airport who came to pick him up his wife asked " all right first thing first Lets hear you play that flute"

Peace

Asked to define peace in a school a class four student described peace " Peace is when frogs sleep on water lilies"

Little afection

An automatic ticket cheking machine in the rabindrosarobar metro station in kolkata failed to deliver a ticket when I was trying to enter the station, I slapped it tried to shake it but nothing happend . A big man steeped in and then he kicked the machine almost uprooted the machine. It promptly produced my ticket. There You are said the burly helper ALittle affection thats all it wanted

My Q and A

We all feel bad when we lose in a competition But when we win we tend to forget all those who lose will feel bad why is that

If we were to think of all the people that had lost after we had just achieved a goal (win) then it would take away the great feeling of winning we tend to think of ourselves first before thinking of others So when we are caught up in the moment of winning who is going to bother about who has lost/

HOME SWEET HOUSE

Tom to his son who is 9 years and an aspiring writer. 'Son it is not a good practice to use the same word twice in a sentence if a suitable synonym is available. ' So next day son brought home a design for a sampler he made in the art class. It read "HOME SWEET HOUSE"

CHIVALARY

What is chivalary a young woman asked
An old woman with vast experience replied " Chivalary is going around and releasing beautiful maidens from other men's castle and taking them to own castle"

RECHARGE

Astrologer >'All the energy in the earth is going to be finished within 2020 and all of us going to die'
Common man> 'That's not good news I recharged my mobile yesterday till 2050 If I had known earlier I wouldn't have rechared it'
Scientist > Dont't you worry we will recharge the earth and every thing will be allright.

yes

I went to a shop to buy a trouser, after selecting a trouser I asked the price the seller said a price I said "my god so costly" and asked the price of another trouser the seller smiled and replied " sir its double my god very costly"

YES

Patrick went to doctor and asked " Sir I am having pain in my left leg for last few days"
Doctor " Its nothing to worry You are getting old"
Patrick angrily " My right leg that is also as old as my left leg but it does not give me
trouble
Client to lawyer " Sir you gave me only one advice but why did you give me two bills"
Lawyer ' After taking the first advice you went away and after some time you came back and asked me another question remember'
"Yes sir I came back and asked did I left my umbrella behind"
Lawyer " Did'nt I gave the answer"

o ya

Once a fan club of a famous writer send a request letter to the writer, Sir we will be greatful if you send a autographed book of yours to our club.
The writer wrote in reply " I dont want such fan's who even can't buy a book spending 1 pound"
After few days the fan club wrote to the writer " Sir by giving your letter we got a book from your publisher"
The writer shot back " You people are real fool's If u have sold the letter You would have received atleast 100 pounds"

OO YA

Father asked tom " tom please see is it raining outside"
Tom " Dad can it rain inside"
Tom and dick went for hunting Ducks
Tom aimed at duck which was running
Tom missed his shot
Dick ' Tom the duck was running fast na'
Tom ' Running fast? It just throwed its leg here and there to avoid the bullet.'
'My memory has dropped drastically' said Tom so I went to doctor The doctor after examining me gave lot of tablets and tonics
Dick ' then what happend'
Tom ' what will happen I forgot to take those pills'

Any answer

After giving stage performances actress dino invites the audience to ask her personal questions
One man stood up and asked " do you remember the most embarassing moment you ever had"?
"Yes I do" miss dino answered " next question"
A group of life insurance agents attended a lecture on how to sell insurance products to unwilling buyer. At the conclusion there were questions and answers. Finally the lecturer asked " are there any more questions"
From the back of the room came ' are there any more answers'
The football coach asked the footballer "why do you always answer a question with a question"
The footballer answered " why not"

COINCISE

An interviewer asked a job applicant " Describe yourself in 25 words or less"
He answered coincise
A class teacher asked his students to write a essay on football match
One student wrote "the game is abandoned due to rain"

WAH

Doctor tells to his newly appointed nurse " see I don't like to talk much I talk in signs when Raise my hand please understand that I am calling U"
Nurse " Sir I am also just like You I also talk in signs when you call me if I waive my head please understand that I am busy I will come later"

wah

How is your business going on sir
Very very well Few days ago I got a huge order.
Oh thats a very good news sir. Then when you are going to return my 600 ruppes
Oh I would have paid you certainly. but do you no the day I got the confirmation letter for the order, I received the cancellation order very next day.

WAH

Labours are unloading rice bags from a lorry. Every labour was unloading two bags at a time except one he was unloading one bag at a time. When the shopowner asked the labour why he is doing so.
The labour answered don't ask sir they are very lazy. Because they are very lazy, so they are unloading two bags at a time so that they dont have to do it twice.

LIFE

So in a general way I set life off from existence. Living is often a mental state quite independent of physical environment or occupation.

WHEN DO I THINK I EXIST

I exist when I am doing daily routine works like reading newpapers shaving dressing riding bus going to bank for money and going to grocery to buy daily needs.
I exist when I have to attend a average social function listen to people talking to the topic which I have no interest but have to listen for reasons.
I EXIST when I am ill I cant do what I want to do.
I exist when I am angry I exist through misunderstanding and when I think of taking revenge
I exist when I make fool of others.
I exist when I don't keep my words and give reasons for that.
I exist when I overlook other's distress

I exist when I fail to keep my words and give reasons for that

I exist when I bring sorrow with my deeds.

I exist when I tell lies for personal gains.

WHEN DO I THINK I AM ALIVE

I am alive when I LAUGH spontaneously and heartily.
I LIVE WHEN i sleep A sound healthy sleep after a day spent of hard work gives a feeling of silent sobbering whirring motor. In lovely dreams I am convinced I am living
Love is life vital and intense Very real to me also is the love one bears one"s freind
I feel I am alive when i have a good conversation argument with my freinds or foes.
I seem to live when I am creating something typing this for instance working on an economic theory when think of doing some good to others who need.
I live when I take food when I am really hungry or drinking when I am really thirsty.
I feel very much alive in the presence of genuine sorrow.

I feel very much alive when I bring smile in the face of others by my deeds

I feel very much alive when some one depends on me.

I feel I am alive when I cry for others

SKY IS COMING DOWN

A experiment is going on in geneva about how earth formed when the big bang occured
Today when I was taking my morning walk I came accross a drunken men lying on his back with his both legs and hands risen towards the sky.
I asked him dude whats going on.
He retorted dont you know the sky is going to come down when the experiment will take place I am trying to keep the sky in its place.
Woh

HOW MUCH THE EARTH WEIGHS

How much the earth weighs asked my son who reads in class 2 to his class teacher. The teacher could only respond " thats a very interesting question son Lets see who can find the answer. Otherwise I will give u the answer"

That night the teacher went to the local library and after considerable reasearch and effort he came up with a answer.

Next day filled with confidence the teacher announced the result.

Whole class pondered and then came another question from a student sir is that with or without people sir.

oops