next time

Recently my cousin and his wife had their first child. One day his wife suggested that he try his hand at changing the babys nappies.
"I am buy" my cousin said " I will do that next time"
the next time the baby was wet she asked her husband if he was ready to learn how to change nappies He looked puzzled for a moment then said "oh I didnt mean the next nappy I meant the next baby '

trouble

The real trouble with the world today isn't that populations have multiplied but they remain so divided

want to die

Sighn outside a calcutta hairdressing saloon " going grey and looking old come to us for dying

Cartoon quips

Wife to husband at front door carrying golf clubs You dont have to go all the way to the golf course for a hole in one. Theres one in the roof one in the screen one in the bathroom .....
Military officer addressing junior officer I dont want people around who say yes all the time I want people who say yes sir
Couple to travel agent "Separate the oceans please"
College graduate to friend How about that from the head of the class to the end of unemployment line in one day
One elderly spinster to another I must say after reading all these new books on sex I am just as glad I never bothered.
Couple leaving the house to teenage son Its our high school reunion junior stop referring to it as the bicentennial
Woman shoper About all i have ever done with my life is wait for something to be reduced 50%
In came the owner of a company whose goods were staffed in the store and said to the woman
madam you can buy my companys share it is in discount of 80% from jan high

Tomato

My grandpa who recently retired came into the house after a morning of gardening and said,
One of the greatest joys of retirement is using my ties to tie up the tomato plants.
Emotional tensions and gardening are incompatiable. Its nearly impossible to be angry when admiring your first ripe tomato.